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Am I going crazy?

Maybe I am going crazy... or maybe it's peri-menopause!

As I often do, I sit here wracking my brains on what to write about sat in this big foggy cloud where some days I seem to struggle to even be a human being.

I hate sharing my personal stuff with the world of the internet, but here I am typing this for myself with the aim of sharing this.

I can pinpoint the day when I felt life changed, the day I ended up in this coma of fog during covid. I honestly thought it was some weird side affect of the covid vaccine, it was literally about a week later and my head completely changed, my cycle was erratic and my brain just went to mush!

From the night sweats, to the insomnia, to the fatigue, bloating, the fortnightly menstrual cycle, the fog of doom and the chocolate cravings like I’ve never experienced (she says typing this at 4:24am because I can’t sleep and raiding the cupboards for a next chocolate or even cake hit). Oh and cake, get me the cake, and I don’t even like cake!

And then, all of a sudden it’s like a switch goes off…. Ahhhhaaa! There she is, it’s me. I’m back, quick make the most of feeling good, the cloud lifting, no fatigue.

Am I actually going crazy..? It’s like people can talk to me, I’m present, but I’m a zombi. Some days I even do a quick google search… am I too young to get dementia? As I don’t recall what happened 10 minutes ago let alone something from 2 years ago.

As I sit here frantically working all the hours whilst I feel like a human being again. I can be productive again, I can function to do all the things that I’ve got myself so anxious about the last few weeks. I’m positive again, not thinking the world is out to get me. Quick, let’s achieve everything I’ve wanted too in this small window of happiness.

I have about 5 days a month where I feel like this (If I’m lucky).

For the last month I’ve been sat with doom, fatigue and brain fog like I’ve never known, its left me really deflated. Cancelling plans, sleeping all night and napping in the day just to try and function.

Then there’s the times I have to sleep on the floor as it’s the only place I can get cool.

I remember doing the Yorkshire 3 Peaks not long ago and getting hit with a wave of hot flushes that I’d never experienced before. I usually suffer with night sweats, this was horrid and all I wanted to do was strip off all my clothes. It then took me about 10 days to recover for the fatigue.

Only a few weeks ago I was sorting out and trying to get myself organised and I was writing a list of what’s in each box and I was stood staring at this thing, what is it called, I attach my camera to it, for the life of me could I remember what it was blooming called.. I was getting increasingly stressed and anxious, crying that I couldn’t remember the name of something so simple. I walked away angry, sat down, had a mini meltdown, took to google and there it was, a tripod!

How do I cope with it? I try so hard to be kind to myself, listen to my body and control all the controllables I can like my movement, nutrition, hydration… really going back to those basics. Obviously I can’t control how much my brain is or isn’t working, but I try.

I’ve been to the doctors a few times but have basically categorically been told I can’t be peri-menopausal and I need to exercise more, change my diet, don’t drink alcohol, use linen bedsheets, and have a shower at night before I go to bed.

As you can tell, this is a good day, in fact day 2 into good days. So I have to embrace every single second of it as I already know it’s closing in.

Thankfully I tried one last time with the doctors a few weeks ago, and got told that I was more than likely peri-menopausal. Woohoo - finally someone is taking me seriously! Although I did get fobbed off with taking the pill to try and control my cycle, which I politely declined. Before we can look into the peri-menopausal further I am being sent for a scan and some blood tests to check everything else out.

So what can I control at the moment? I can try and manage my stress and anxiety as best I can, find out what triggers that and what helps ease it. How can I get a better nights sleep? What is my nutrition and hydration like? How can I move each day and adapt my training when applicable?

I can honestly understand why some women have to give up their jobs, as I've often sat here considering if it’s something I should do as I keep messing my diary up, double booking everyone and forgetting little things. Apologies clients.

As I am on my own, I sometimes find it so hard and challenging as I don’t always have people to reach out too. But I make sure I have support in the areas I can and need guidance with in terms of a business mentor and a counsellor and in the past have used my own nutrition coach to help when I am struggling. We can’t do it all in life and it’s ok to ask for help and support where we need it.

And I say this a lot, the most important thing you can do is really learn to be kind to yourself. The way you speak and think and try and change that negative self talk we’re all guilty of. Trying not to let yourself give up on everything, really use this time to put some focus in to you.

I guess this is why there are huge changes coming within my business and I am so flipping excited!

And as usual, I get to the end of writing something and wonder whether it will even make any sense.

Who knows, and I apologise now for any typos or areas that don’t make sense. I’m damned if I will give up trying!

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