You don't need surgery..

As I was discharged from A&E being told ‘you don’t need surgery’ after my latest MRI. I didn't know what the heck was going to happen next..

Luckily. I had spoken a few weeks beforehand to an amazing Locum GP who had actually listened to me and written to the spinal hospital for my appointment to be expedited.

Would you believe I was on a 50 week waiting list when I was seen in April, and I had been on it about 20 so I was still expecting some time to wait.

But 5 weeks later (after my call with the GP) I had an appointment, which was due just 6 days after being seen by A&E.

I had so many mixed feelings by this point.

I was adamant from the start when I found out in January that I had a herniated disc that I did NOT want surgery.

For so many reasons;

1. I was scared

2. I didn’t want it to ruin my life. The thought of going back to zero, almost being stripped of my life as I knew it, but then on reflection now, I couldn’t do anything anyway. I was stuck in my bedroom (I live in a three storey house, which isn’t very helpful in this situation, but I was ok when I got up there)

3. Maybe this was just a flare up and I’ll be ok in a week or so and it’s all be forgotten about

4. I hate aesthetic

5. I have a dog, who’s going to look and walk and care for my baby

But also, I was ready to find £20k and go private and have the surgery, because it was the only way I could see out of this pain.

I sat down with my dad and we wrote out a timeline of the last 12 months. The impact it had had on my life. The loss of my business. And most recently, the fact I couldn’t even live a daily life.

I went into my appointment fearing I was going to have to fight to be listened to, especially after all my previous encounters recently.

Anyway, Thursday (the day of my expedited appointment) came and I had to get myself out of the house (somehow), sit in a car for 30 minutes and wait for my appointment. All things that scared the life out of me, due to the pain I was in.

I had to hobble in on a crutch, and literally life on my hip on the edge of the bed as this was still my only comfortable position.

Little did I know it would get to the point in life.

Life had ‘manageable’ (as much as my new normal had become). I think you get to that point where you weirdly just get used to the pain you’re in (which is quite scary).. and up until 3 weeks beforehand I was still able to walk.

My gym time had slowly started to cut down as I was struggling with that, but was able to get on the bike to keep some movement going.

I got to the consultant appointment through the skin of my teeth (as you know from my last blog) and literally crawled into his room in the most pain imaginable (I don’t think he was even prepared for that)..

He looked at me, looked at my MRI and said…‘You either live like this or you have surgery…’

I didn’t even have to think twice, my immediate answer way surgery.

He said… ‘as long as I can jig some things around I can fit you in on Wednesday..’

WOAH I never expected that for a moment. I thought I was still going to have to wait another few months.

Never did I think just 6 days away..

And off I went through to pre-op (which they whizzed me through so quick because they could see the pain I was in).

I signed on the dotted line and said see you next week!

I was in a daze, of what is going on. Is this real? Whilst drugged up to the eyeballs on so much medication. Dad read through all the important (scary bits, the you could be paralysed etc) but I didn’t care, I needed to be pain free again.

I had just 6 days to get through, with my medication plan… and I almost made it!

But of course, there would be another few scares.

The first one was another call to my GP because I was worried I had DVT. My leg had swollen up like a balloon. We had a whole battle of I should go to A&E but I explained how I couldn’t move and there was no way I could go through that again, sit there for hours (well I couldn’t even sit) to potentially be told it’s not DVT, so they agreed to see me.

I can’t thank them enough for seeing me. I mean I couldn’t move, but I had to get there, and was quickly told the swelling was from the only position I could get into for the last week.

She gave me more medication to add to the concoction, but I didn’t care.

I’m definitely not going to share the details of the 2 days pre-op, but unfortunately there were more 111 and GP calls, but I made it through to the Tuesday (the day before the op).

I had been so poorly those two days pre-op I was convinced that I wasn’t having surgery.

Honestly, my body had been through so much over the past few weeks, I didn’t think I, mentally (or physically) could take any more.

I woke up and said to James… I can’t. I can’t go!

I had felt so let down by everyone. And mentally I had lost it. I hadn’t slept for days (in fact almost a year properly), and at one point I’d been awake for over 70 hours because of the pain.

I lost count how many times we rang 111, 999 and my GP to be so unheard. Like I say, I don’t want this to become a bashing of the NHS, but my real experience.

When I look back on my instagram and the last few videos I shared before my op (and even the morning of my op) it makes me cry. I can see the pain and loss of my life in myself that I never want to see again.

When I type this now, 8 days post-op, and look back at the start of this blog… ‘I don’t want to ruin my life…’

By god, surgery has changed my life! For the better..

I can finally walk pain free again. I can stand pain free. I can sleep for the first time through the night with no pain, instead of waking up every time I rolled over in pain and then not being able to get back to sleep because of it. In fact, I’ve slept more in the last week than I have in 12 months.

Sometimes it’s easy to sit here and focus on all the negatives (something which I changed my mindset on a long time ago), but I’m also a human being and I have those moments.

But when I look back at where I was, and where I am now, it’s pretty bloody incredible.

So maybe this is where I leave this blog.

Because I went from being absolutely terrified that surgery was going to ruin my life, to 8 days post-op and finally being able to walk and stand without pain.

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I’ve been a coach and PT and have over 26 years experience, and I’ve spent most of that time helping women understand their bodies, get stronger and feel confident in what they’re capable of.

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